whiplash

On a Wednesday evening in January, I told my husband I needed to organize and purge all the baby clothing, and that I was going to stay up late to get it done. I knew I'd regret the lack of sleep the next morning, I told him, but I was sick of looking at the clothes piled everywhere. As I walked up the stairs a little after 1am, I glanced at my phone and noticed an email had come in. It was from the adoption agency.

"I've checked your documents, attached is your file, here is the process to do a birth parent search... I'm afraid we have no identifying information about your birth father for the search and for this reason it would not be possible to initiate a search.

On the other hand, I have great news about your birth mother search." 

At this point, I really just thought she was going to tell me that they had all the necessary information to begin, and I half expected her to request further information from my end.

"She has tried to find you since 2007," the email said instead. "She wants to get in touch with you to develop a closer relationship...she wants to meet you in person if you come to Korea in the future." The next step, I was told, was to email a letter and include pictures, and they would translate it for me and send it to her. Wait, what?? I couldn't believe they'd found her so quickly. What was supposed to take months instead took days, and as my brain fumbled to make sense of what I'd just read, I went into the bedroom and gently shook my husband's arm. "They found her...they found her and she wants to meet me." He sat straight up and we made our way to the couch in the living room where we half sat, half slouched, as we both stared up at the ceiling in a daze.

"This is shocking." "It only took a week." "I feel like I'm in a movie." "It feels like a movie." "Whoa."

It took me a few hours to fall asleep as I tried to wrap my head around this news, all the while pondering such questions as, do I have other siblings/nieces/nephews? How does one reconnect with a stranger? What do I even say? How do I begin? Is it okay to ask her questions? Is there anything I might ask that would be unwittingly offensive or disrespectful in Korean culture? I didn't have a name for her, so how would I address her? Was I ready to call her "Mom"?

In the days to come, the questions continued to circulate, but as I started formulating the email mentally, I found myself gravitating towards telling her about my accomplishments, which is not usually my personality type. I realized I was trying to impress her, but also realized that would make for a dry email, so I kept writing until something felt right (some details edited for privacy)...

Hello,

It is so good to be writing you and reconnecting. I think about you so often and pray for you, too. There is so much to catch up on, but I thought I would start with some highlights...

I was adopted in March 1987 by a Catholic, American family. My Dad was an Officer in the US Army, and my family was stationed in Seoul at the time of my adoption. We moved to Virginia when I was 4, and I lived there until I was 25. I've lived in several places since then, but recently moved back to Virginia. In 2013 I married a wonderful man, and we have a beautiful family of our own.

I am so curious to know you and learn more about you. Do you still live in JeonJu City? Have you ever traveled outside of Korea, and more specifically, have you ever traveled to the United States? Do you have other children? What are some of your hobbies? I grew up playing piano and flute, and music is very special to me. I've always wondered if you are musical, if that is something I received from you. My family tells me that when I was first adopted, I used to get out of my bed and stand by the window, singing Silent Night (in Korean). A friend once pointed out that you must have taught me that song. Did we sing it together?

There is so much more to say, but I think this is a good start. I hope you are well, and I hope that you and your loved ones have been able to stay healthy during this pandemic.

With love,

Amy (Yoon Joo)