the search begins

One of the most frequently asked questions I receive as an adoptee is, will I search for my birth mom? The answer was always no, "unless I had a medical crisis." Then the answer changed to no, "because I think I have all the answers to the questions most adoptees have and I don't feel like I need to." When I started therapy with my current counselor last Spring, the words no sooner came out of my mouth when I realized, well actually that's the nice, neat answer I can tie up with a pretty bow; it's safe, it's concise, and it's not messy. For the first time in my life I wasn't sure if it was still true, but it is similar to when you ask someone, "how are you?" and you hope they just say, "I'm well," so you can both move on with your day.

Fast forward several months, throw in some healing and an Instagram post (how 2021), and wouldn't you know, that answer is indeed different. Not only is it no longer, "I don't think I need to," the answer is, "actually, I think I want to do this." What a massive shift. What about Instagram specifically ignited the shift, you may wonder. Writing out my thoughts that day was the first time I truly reflected on what my adoption could have felt like for my birth mom. Approaching it through the lens of now being a mother myself, one of whom is older than I was when I was "relinquished," gave me pause for thought. I considered what I might feel like if one of my children was gone from my life, knowing he or she was most likely still alive. Wouldn't I want to know how life turned out for that child? Allowing myself that reflection in turn gave me permission to wonder about my birth mom, in a new way I hadn't before. How did life turn out for her? What are her hobbies and interests? One question that perhaps most adoptees wonder: what does she look like?! I'm told often that my daughter is my mini. Am I my birth mom's?

I sat with this newfound desire for a few days before taking the plunge. Oftentimes I suffer through analysis paralysis, but in this case I decided that since the birth family search can take some time (months, maybe even a year or more), I would take the first step and that would still give me time to work through all of the thoughts and emotions that were brewing. I did also let my parents and siblings know that I would begin this search, as a way to include them in the process. And exactly a week after I submitted my paperwork I received a reply, and I assumed they were letting me know they received my email. 

Instead, they told me they found my birth mother.